Chronic pain & Pyrography

It’s taking me some time to figure out how and what to write. Do I say, “Hi my name is Valarie and I hurt... A LOT!” adding a little humor to the story. Or do I jump right in with, “I suffer from chronic pain and have several diagnosis which includes lupus, arthritis and fibromyalgia. I have a couple of other issues but the "why” of the pain is less important than how I deal with it overall.” You know, being all serious and what not. The biggest way I deal with my pain is by laughing and silly remarks followed by burning art. I am in no way devaluing my pain or yours; it is very real and matters. The way I see it is, I have enough stress on a serious level to deal with (medication, shots, doctors, etc.), so silly it is. This feels more right for me.

So away we go. Hi my name is Valarie and I hurt… A LOT! I fight daily to keep out of the dark almost inescapable hole which is created by my chronic pain, major depression. Sometimes this fight is so overwhelming and exhausting that I can’t focus on anything else. I have my weeks where I lose the fight and find myself scratching and screaming to pull myself back out. I’m lucky now, my black hole residency used to last for months and at one point years. When your physical body hurts so much, your emotional health suffers greatly. If you suffer, you know.

My pain start in 1998 with a work place accident. Wow! I just did the math and it has now been 22 years of my body & brain fighting me. 22 years of people treating me with disbelief, discounting both me and my pain. This has included some family in the past. You know, the whole “suck it up & push through it” mentality. They mean well but have no idea the hurt & guilt this causes. As for everyone else, at this point my middle finger should be the skinniest part of me as it has had the most work out; if you get my meaning. 😉 Luckily, most people don’t have the gall to say anything to me when I need help in public. I hurt too much to bite my tongue.

Art came back into my life in 2002. My two sons were young and missing their mom. I was there, right there in front of them; but I was different. Mom hurt all of the time, she cried and slept. This is what they saw but didn’t understand. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but the boys had one of those marker / black velvet poster sets. You know the ones you color in. I asked them to climb up on the bed and we colored. We did this together for what seemed like hours. Relief, for just a little while. I was still in extreme pain, but I shifted my focus. We could laugh and be silly together. After we finished that poster, I bought a few more.

After a while they got tired of the posters. I had to find something different. Something that I could create with them from bed. They had gotten those blow “air brush" markers and we played with those. Then the yearly school book order happened. The ones from when we were kids and you got a pamphlet with fun books to order in class. On one my son's list was a book, “How to draw Scooby Doo”. He wanted that book, so we ordered it. I spent hours drawing Scooby & Shaggy. This is where art became something more for me. I still have the posters, book, and drawings. They mean so much to me.

Fast forward to 2005. I have been drawing for a couple of years now and getting a bit better. I’m slowly figuring out how art is helping me deal, at least on my not as bad days. I have now graduated to colored pencils, ink pens, and full on graphite pencils. A browse through Michael’s introduces me to Pyrography, but I will leave this story more for another day.

It took me a little while to realize art and even more specifically, burning gave me something more than just the chance to create. It gave me the feeling of control and accomplishment. With chronic pain and depression, I felt I had no control over anything. My body and mind weren’t listening to my heart… and you thought I was stubborn. Doctors and some family didn’t get it. You can only hear “it must be in your head" for so long before you want to waste away into the abyss. You feel like nothing. Then all of the sudden there is this spark. A tiny flame in the darkness. All you want to do is grab it and hold on for dear life.

Anyway enough of this sad story. It's sad and it happened and I keep living it every day. Here is the thing… it isn’t me, at least not all of me. I am more than this story, more than just my pain. Just like you are more than just your story and your pain. We forget this. The pain starts blurring our identity. We are bigger and brighter than the hell we are living. Yes it is hell that turns lives upside down and inside out. The tiny flame I mentioned before, well it is me. I am the spark and my burnings are the result.

I have control on what I create and how. I have feelings of accomplishment because I did something, I created something. This is how I find my release. As humans, we need balance and to feel as if we are putting something out into the world. Pain strips us of this balance, sending us into a tailspin. This chaos stops us in our tracks. We find ourselves holding our breath as we begin the plummet. Burning for me helps to correct that tailspin. The pain never stops, but burning at least gives me time to breath.

I wish I could tell you how to make the pain stop and get your life back, but I can’t. I can however tell you how I deal with my pain and hopefully something speaks to you. Chronic pain induces the grieving process cycle. You have to deal with the loss of your prior self, what you believed yourself to be. Although it is different in one aspect, you have to see yourself every day. This can be heartbreaking and starts the tailspin all over again. A vicious cycle that affects everyone and everything around us.

Dealing with the pain.

*note - follow any doctor orders you may have.

1.       The first thing I do every morning is get out of bed at the same time. This freaking hurts but I have to get up to take my medication, so I might as well get up for a while. It was hard at first, but my body has gotten used to it.

2.       Take a nap. It’s completely ok if you need a nap. I know every day after lunch I will be taking a nap. With my pain I need that break. Don’t feel guilty, pain is hard on the body. Let it recharge.

3.       Talk to yourself out loud. Your brain hears you differently compared to your inner monologue. It triggers a different part of the brain. It doesn’t have to be loud or all of the time, just when you have something you want or rather need to hear. Brain fog and memory issues can come with chronic pain. Talking aloud can help subvert this.

4.       Burn, burn, burn! If you can only sit for 15 minutes to wood burn, great! Be proud of yourself this is a good thing. Take a break and come back for another 15 minutes and burn. Go back and forth like this until you feel comfortable. Now when you can, add an extra 5 minutes. Build up this time, pushing just a little bit. Before you know it you will realize you just doubled your time.

5.       Be kind to yourself! If you have a bad day/week/month(s) that is completely ok, we all do. If you can’t sit and burn because of the pain maybe grab a pencil and sketchbook. You can use that down time to practice ideas. Keeping your hand moving helps to keep your brain shifted from the pain signals. It can also help shut down the dreadful inner monologue.

6.       Music!! I have to burn with music or an audiobook. Sometimes I have a hard time during the lives with no music. I listen to heavy metal when the pain is screaming so loud I can’t hear myself think. My headphones are turned up loud and I play metal with heavy bass. I'm shifting my brain. If I am in a pissy mood, I listen to up beat rock. Music that represents how I want to feel.

7.       Enjoy yourself. If you feel like you “failed" a burn, you didn’t. You just learned something. You learned that is not what you wanted. Try again with something new. Try a new subject or technique. You may like one subject and hate another, completely normal. Personally, lettering is my least favorite thing to burn. Unless it is a special gift, it doesn’t make me happy. Burn what makes YOU happy.

8.       Our inner monologue can be our biggest enemy. Sometimes you just have to tell it to shut up, literally. When the pain is screaming, I sit and picture a light switch in my brain. I work to see it clearly with the word “pain” above it. I then focus on seeing my hand flip it off. Sometimes I have to do this multiple times. Do it however many times you need to calm you. If this doesn’t work try visualizing a black board with the word “PAIN" written on it. Then see yourself erase the word.

9.       Ask for help. Never feel guilty about needing help. Whether it is physically or mentally we all need some in life. With this be honest. We have a habit of saying yes when we should say no. Or telling others we are fine when we really aren’t. This creates more guilt and resentment. We can’t expect everyone who doesn’t suffer to get it all of them time. Most people can empathize, but it’s hard to really get it unless it is happening to them. Unless it is an abusive situation, cut them some slack and communicate. If it is an abusive situation please seek help immediately. No one ever deserves abuse.

10.   This next one may feel hippy dippy, but it works. Go outside! Even if it is only for 10 minutes. You need the vitamin D. While out there, hug a tree, walk barefoot in the grass, or feel the leaves of a bush. Whatever live thing in nature that you have access to, hold onto and just breath. This simple act can help you feel more connect to something. Chronic pain disconnects us from the world. Any healthy connection we can foster brings us closer to balance.

11.   Don’t compare your pain to others. You hurt, period end of story. Your pain hurts you and their pain hurts them. This should never be a competition. Don’t dismiss your pain. I know it is a way to deflect, but if you are deflecting you aren’t really dealing. It is hard to accept that things have changed.

12.   Forgive yourself. This is one of the hardest things we do. We hold on to the guilt. We somehow convince ourselves that we deserve this feeling. Guilt makes the pain worse. Remember chronic pain and depression are cyclical. One feeds off the other and the cycle continues. I was feeling guilt about my sons as I was writing this. Just thinking of that times drives another knife through my heart. But as I’m writing, I am taking a deep breath and letting it go. I can’t change what happened. I have already talked to them and apologized, so now it has to be ok.

As I think of new things, I will add them to the list. These are all things that I do. Some may not be on a daily occurrence, but I do them as often as I can.

Remember you are still, you! You matter and you have worth. Your pain is this stranger who one day showed up, invited itself in, and now won’t leave. You can let it take over and allow it to dig deeper in or you can fight, fight for you. Burning helps in this fight. Creating helps you to release and feel something positive. Allow burning to suck you in and just be one with the wood. Feel the pen in your hand then making a connection with the wood. It is all you. You are the burning. Remember you are not alone, you have friends and we understand. Also never forget…

You're awesome.

You can do this.

Why?

You're a pyro artist. 🔥